05 July 2026
Outline for Joint Therapy
Winnowing wheat from chaff
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What are we working towards in family therapy with [our teenager]? Where do you hope progress will be made?
What are your feelings when you hear them say things like, “I don’t even want to call her my mother?”
I saw you smirk, you jerk. (Maybe don’t say this?)
Why did you say that you didn’t want to include [our preschooler] in overnight visits to what may be your new home in the future, in front of [our teenager], and also spoke in disparaging terms about her, calling her “high maintenance” and saying that she wasn’t your priority anymore because “we’ve been focused on her for years”?
What influence do you think your speech has on our teenager’s ability to be kind and understanding with their sibling, which is already limited?
Why did you choose to tell me that you had spoken with two of our mutual friends, and that you were glad to hear I wasn’t “bad-mouthing” you? What did you hope would be the effect on me?
What were those conversations like?
How did our friends respond to your inquiries?
Why were you talking about me at the event where you said that even the sight of me, or knowledge I was there, would undermine your ability to fulfill your responsibilities, because it would be so overwhelming to you?
What if they had said, “Yeah, you’re a jerk, GTFO.”? Probably you would have been compromised by your feelings. Maybe don’t ask?
I told everyone to be extra nice to you, because you still needed to grow as a person and develop your emotional regulation skills. You need other people to practice with in that domain.
Can we talk about past grievances in therapy? (Question for therapist!)
Of course we can! Only a dumb-dumb man like my husband would suggest otherwise. (Sidebar, definitely not to be said aloud.)
What is the definition of consent? What is marital rape?
13 October 2015, my letter to the Savage Love advice column: “I’ve also tried just biting the bullet and having sex when I don’t want to. The upside on that being that hubs is happy (if he doesn’t catch on to me being a sad eyed sex robot, but sometimes even then, sigh), but I feel cold and sick when I do this, and it seems ethically wrong: deceptive and inauthentic.”
“I think there’s an ethical question here: in the concept of “maintenance sex,” how often should a partner have sex when they really aren’t into it?”
“I’ve already had sex three times that I really didn’t want to have, plus one bout of weeping explanations/semi-fight. This is supposed to be a celebration of our union, and I’m wearing my Happy Person mask and hoping I fall off a cliff.”
Do you remember me sitting on the floor of the bedroom in the house in Costa Rica, and me crying and saying I didn’t know how to make myself have sex if I didn’t want to do it?
What was your response to me at that time?
What is emotional abuse? Where is the line between physical abuse and emotional abuse?
Does throwing a coffee cup against the wall so it shatters near me count as creating an emotionally unsafe environment?
How about you punching the wall while angry? Was it abusive for you to suggest that I punch the wall, a form of self-harm, when overwhelmed with my feelings?
Was it physically abusive, or only emotionally threatening, to try to snatch my phone from my hand, block me from leaving the room, or stop me from locking myself in the bathroom for my own safety while you were angry?
What was your motivation for saying “Is that why you fell for someone else?” when I turned down your suggestion that we reconcile our relationship on the back porch?
Did you get this from the internet, your lawyer, or what?
Why did you say “I never betrayed our marriage vows.” when I denied your accusation of infidelity?
What exactly were our marriage vows?
Reviewed marriage video from the Justice of the Peace office:
Vows recited: Love, Comfort, and Care For, Honor and Cherish, Share and Support, Give and Get Advice, Forgive, “Love is to treat someone with Dignity and Civility”
Did you keep these vows? Did I?
He counselled specifically on forgiveness: “If you hold on to anger, it will destroy your marriage and it will destroy you, your mental health.”
Infidelity is a legal term, with bearing on divorce cases in Pennsylvania.
Your relationship with H*****, (and maybe your make-out session with T*****, which happened early in our relationship and was a surprise to me and her husband), is your infidelity under the law. Have you slept with anyone else?
My relationship with H***** is probably also my infidelity? However, my relationship with her started after you initiated the sexual contact, and involved you at all times (I can’t remember for sure, but I think she and I never had sex with just the two of us) and you continued to have a sexual relationship with her after I stopped having that level of intimacy with her.
I had to ask you more than once to stop being sexually intimate with her after I wanted your relationship to end. When did you finally stop having sex with her?
Did you have sexual contact with anyone at the event in June?
Why did you shout at me to not follow you when I came inside behind you after asking you leave my space on the back porch?
This is an emotionally unsafe environment for [our preschooler], and I will look into whether I could get a Protection From Abuse order, if you shout at me, get angry and aggressive in my space, or attempt to touch me or my belongings without my permission.
Today he tried to touch my new-to-me guitar when I came home from Aikido and was carrying everything inside. He said, “What’s that? Can I see it?” and started reaching for it without waiting for my answer. So entitled— the audacity! I had to tell him no and quickly retreat and scamper up the steps to get out of his reach, and then held my ground on the stairs with my eye level above his.
He complained, “I can’t even see it?” and it felt like a dream I had recently where he was like a needy child, reaching for my tit. So I told him, “No, I don’t want you to touch me or my things,” while my hands holding my guitar trembled. He apologized. He asked who gave it to me. I told him. I left.
I handled my emotional dysregulation. (Personal notes, no need to share during therapy. :P)
I paced and talked to myself!
I played the guitar!
I took a shower!
I took my time getting dressed and luxuriated in having my own space!
I contemplated murder and hummed the song “Hypothetically Speaking” by Willow Avalon and Kaitlin Butts!
Murder is illegal, even if you never get caught.
You know how much respect I have for the law.
I would never.
Probably, right?
"it seems ethically wrong: deceptive and inauthentic." So funny that I was worried about what I was doing wrong by having sex I didn't want to have. Couldn't even feel or think of the bigger wrongness!